Ramu and Somu were two fast friends always found tethered together by bonds of friendship stronger than a sumo wrestler’s grip. They lived in adjacent houses and were found together so often that they had long forsaken their individual identities in favor of a shared RamuSomu appellation that people of the community used to refer to the pair. They studied in the same school in the same class and did everything from homework to school projects to kite flying to chasing neighborhood dogs with stones as a team of two. Ramu was the more aggressive of the two and often the initiator of their more nefarious projects, while Somu found himself in the position of accomplice by default with little say in the choice or locale of their crimes.
Their Math teacher, Ghorpade, was a brute of a man who used to habitually inflict great and reckless violence upon hapless students who had the misfortune of forgetting homework or getting a problem wrong in class, or who chanced to commit the grievous sin of talking while he was explaining a delicate algebraic nuance. Indeed, it seemed he derived gleeful pleasure from rapping the skins off the knuckles of boys he didn’t take a liking to and twisting the blood out of the ears of little rascals who dared subvert his absolute authority by the seemingly innocuous act of asking a question.
He was a bear of a man, tall and hefty and bulky and hirsute, blessed with an overflowing overabundance of hair from every visible part of his body. Even his ears and nose were fertile breeding grounds. Indeed, it was almost a comical twist that he was clean-shaven, but for a Hitleresque, toothbrush like excuse of a moustache. The contrast between his gigantic presence and his infinitesimal moustache was absurd and ridiculous except to those unfortunate victims whose pitiful lot it was to view the toothbrush from rather close quarters for a split second, prior to its eclipsing by a massive hand with thick fingers, each decorated with a ring, coming down with mind-numbing force, leaving behind an almost perfect memento of the violent moment. He was also endowed with a magnificent paunch, the subject of much childish chatter referring to such things as pregnancy, labour and delivery.
As wasn’t hard to imagine, he was universally feared and despised. Now Ghorpade was in the habit of taking a nap in the teacher�s room after his afternoon class, during course of which he emitted earth-shattering snores, which could be heard throughout the school premises, and gave false hope to the hard of hearing, in which category fell quite a few senior teachers. Nobody really had the courage or tact to bring up this annoying habit to him. Not even the school principal, who was a mouse in front of the leonine Ghorpade, both in physique and temperament.
Ramu and Somu, after having been the recipients of a couple of Ghorpade’s most spiteful slaps - one planted on each of their left cheeks, leaving behind identical pentadactyl imprints - resolved to not be doormats anymore. Ramu, whose mind was like a garden in perpetual spring, came up with the devious idea of recruiting a lizard to explore the cavernous interiors of Ghorpade’s mouth. Somu, leaning more towards action than thought, promptly snared an unsuspecting specimen taking an afternoon siesta itself, safely into the secure and dark chambers of a pencil box. Math class that day proved to be interminably long. A few cherry-red cheeks were left savagely stinging and tearfully tender in Ghorpade’s wake. Ramu and Somu broke into a cold sweat when Ghorpade chanced to look their way, but they had nothing to fear, just as surviving antelopes had nothing to fear from the lion in the aftermath of a bloody kill, nor speeding motorists from a cop who had already made his catch. They could barely contain their excitement as the bell rang signaling the end of class and Ghorpade departed pompously to the teachers room. The next class was play period, so their absence went by unnoticed. All according to plan.
They waited outside the teachers room with bated breath for Ghorpade to begin his afternoon siesta. Five minutes later the buffalo concert started with rhythmic regularity. Ramu and Somu crept inside on tiptoes, hearts firmly inside respective mouths. The room was reassuringly empty save for Ghorpade, as they had known well in advance based on scrutiny of timetables. The pencil box was cautiously opened, and a lizard in an advanced state of aggravation deposited inside a wide-open drooling mouth. They scampered out like dogs startled by Diwali fireworks. A few heart-stopping moments later, the shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose. A blood-curdling scream pierced the tranquil afternoon air and Ghorpade was spotted hurtling at Ben Johsonesque speeds to the nearest restroom. In his blindly oblivious haste, he dashed into the ladies’ toilet and seconds later was driven out to the accompaniment of shrieks of horror on inhuman scales of the register. Soon thereafter, loud expurgatory sounds followed by multiple toilet flushes, peppered with expletives of an unmentionable nature could be heard by curious bystanders.
After several minutes had elapsed, a pale, haggard and subdued shadow of Ghorpade emerged from the washroom. Ramu and Somu gleefully peered from the sidelines, dizzy with delight and horror, at the unmitigated success of their depraved plan. However, seeing Ghorpade in such a pathetic state, they were overcome with shame and deep remorse at the terrible outcome of their juvenile prank. In a twist of tectonic proportions, they confessed everything and fell at Ghorpade’s feet, begging for forgiveness.
As if that were not enough, in a twist of galactic proportions, Ghorpade responded not with his ferocious hands, but in a gentle and soothing voice, his wholly unanticipated metamorphosis shocking Ramu Somu to the core. In a piercing moment of intense self-realization, he had realized the futility of his violent methods that had been building up a deep reservoir of terror and hatred. This combustible mixture had been ticking away like a time bomb and ultimately exploded, shattering his aggression to smithereens. In a change of heart as wholly unexpected as a butcher�s conversion to vegetarianism, he found it in the deepest recesses of his soul to forgive the juvenile prank and decided to not even report the incident to higher authorities.
The next day saw a gentler, chastened, more considerate version of Ghorpade, a contrite yet mightily relieved Ramu Somu, and a class of eight year olds who did not have to perpetually sit in mortal fear of unexpected thunderbolts and temporary loss of hearing. Most importantly, enjoyment, curiosity and fun came to be associated with Math more than fear, loathing and revulsion, proving that sometimes the ends justify the means.